New Year, New Me

It’s 2017 –

A new year, a new beginning, a new adventure!
As January rolls in, I relish the good things in life:

A happy family, good grades –
Yet as we celebrate Grandpa’s birthday, it seems as though

We have more reason to mourn.
Two months later,
Im dying inside,
Drowning in a tidal wave
Of emotions I’ve never felt before.
Life only went downhill from there.

It’s 2018 –

A new year, a new beginning, a new adventure,
And though I’m doubtful it’ll be joyful, I have to hope.
I’m stuck with nowhere to go,
And as February rolls around
I lose yet another piece of my heart.
I was right to my dismay. 2018 was as horrible as 2017.

It’s 2019, a new year, a new adventure.
I’ve been praying and hoping,
And even though I know nothing will change,

I’m grateful for the ever-changing mindset I’ve adopted.

For a moment, I’ve fooled myself into thinking things were getting better,
But it’s March 7th, and I’m thinking another piece of my heart has chipped away.

Why?
Death is inevitable, I’ve always known that,
But one year after another my heart breaks a little.
Is it just a cruel joke?
Is it not enough that I undermine myself?
Is it not enough to live an entire lifetime wishing to be normal?
Is it not enough that my emotions and sensitivity cause more harm than good?

I don’t know who I’ll lose next, but I’ll continue getting my hopes up for a better tomorrow

 

 

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In Color There Is Life

Sweet, lovely lavender

Smoother than silk

Flows slowly as its presence sparks pleasant curiosity

Deliciously tart, yet so sinfully sweet

Blissful

One of few strings of rope that holds the rocky bridge between us

 

A smoke so potent, so sweet

So wispy it slips effortlessly through your fingertips

Swirls of darkness move so fast

Yet stand still all the same

A bitterness that’s too much so,

You start to choke only for the small,

Subtle sweetness to suddenly seep through

A truly contradicting feeling

Intimidating, yet comforting

I’ve found both fear and consolation in the darkness

 

Sweeter than roses,

Softer than cotton

Continue reading “In Color There Is Life”

The Eternal War

I’m stuck

Between these two forces

They’re called “Self-hatred” and “Self-Love”

They’ve been at war

Since I was little

And now I think

In this recent battle,

Self-Hate has won,

Over and over and over again

I cherish the small victories

Self-Love has won,

But how long will it be

Before Self-Hate consumes me

Completely?

This eternal war

Will be the death of me

Juxtaposition

I woke up this morning, the sun illuminating the confines of my room.

I got ready for work, wearing an impeccable dress suit and killer heels

I ordered a coffee from a cafe, bustling and warm

The line was long, and the barista made my coffee with a charming smile,

Even though I took three minutes to decide what I wanted.

I hailed a cab to work and made it to the conference just in time.

The board listened to me, my boss nodded encouragingly –

And I deserved this. Years of school, years of hard, honest work

Got me the respect, the recognition, the life I deserve.


 

I woke up this morning, the sun illuminating the confines of my room.

I got ready for work, wearing an impeccable dress suit and killer heels

I ordered a coffee from a cafe, taking a few minutes to decide

And the barista joked loudly about how long women take to make decisions.

The men behind me snickered and agreed.

As I hailed a cab, a man passed by me

With a disgusting catcall and wolf whistle.

I made the conference meeting just in time,

But the board questioned my every sentence,

And my boss took away every bit of self-esteem I had left –

Criticizing everything from the way I talked to the way I dressed

I did not deserve this. Years of school and hard honest work,

Still did nothing to change the sexist thoughts of these men.

I’m just a woman, too ambitious, too forward, too slutty-looking,

This is not the life I deserve.

Thank You

1 2 3,

Started with a tragedy

4 5 6,

Months of stress, finally, finally, soothed by an angel

7 8 9,


And just like that, our tiny shred of happiness is snatched away

10 11 12,

When will this circle of dread, depression and anger lift?

13 14 15,

This test of faith I must pass,

Or I will surely go mad

this beaten woman I must stand by,

For we have no one else to trust

In this long hour of darkness,

I find comfort in the love and kindness of my teachers, my peers

Thank you for your unending support,

We really need it

If I could hug you all, I would

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Grandpa

Warning: References to death (non-graphic).


March eleventh, twenty seventeen

That was when you left me

Your hugs, your smile, your laugh as well

Why didn’t you tell us you weren’t well?

I’m trying my hardest not to cry

But I hope you’re happy, up in the sky

Empty

How does it feel to be numb?

You feel nothing at all

No anger

No happiness

Not even calmness

The only thing you can feel

Is a subtle, lingering sadness

You feel as though something is missing

Even if you have everything

You need,

Everything you want

To feel numb

Is desperately wanting

To feel something,

Anything

To feel numb

Is to feel

Incredibly

Unbearably

Empty

Easter Sunday

Warning &A/N: This poem relates Easter and religion. The blog’s look and layout will continue to change for a bit, I’m still working on some aesthetic issues….I’ll let you guys know when revisions are done (for good!).


He is risen.

Rejoice and celebrate His homecoming,

His love has triumphed, once again.

Cast out the Devil, at least a few hours,

Finally, finally, peace resides in this house.

Remember the fallen, the defeated, and the weary,

Honor their courage, their kindness, their truth,

As we feast in His name.

Discover my words, my joy, my sadness,

Remember that Love always wins in the end.

Thank you, for all that you’ve done,

Never will you be truly alone.